Gamer Thursdays

Alright, I need to start making a schedule of posting themes, else I’m bound to fall into that oh-so-normal blog posting regimen where I post only every couple of weeks. So, without further ado, I present to you…

 GAMER THURSDAYS

(goddammit why cant i make my text any bigger)

So, to be succinct, from now on — every Thursday will be dedicated to games. Good and bad. Things I’ve played recently, or years ago. From any console or system. Some cross-platform, cross-temporal reviews, previews and any other kind of views your supple little minds can imagine.

Let’s start with something I got in the mail today, and literally could not shove it back into a grungy, stinking mail-slot any faster.

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Resident Evil: Operation Raccoon City (PS3)

Oh, how I wish I could delete the couple of trophies I got from this thing — wait… maybe I can. I’ll look into it later.

Let me start by giving the game credit for its best qualities. It is definitely pretty. Even in the initial missions, you get a very good sense of scale of how much damage the G-Virus outbreak has caused. The character design is solid in a visual sense (a little same-y, maybe — but they’re supposed to be an elite task force supplied by a common command.) While I personally didn’t play very far through the game, I have heard that a number of Resident Evil veterans make appearances — I was especially excited to see HUNK, who essentially plays the pointman of the introductory mission.

Sadly, the game’s visual appeal is about the place where everything grinds to a halt. The AI is, depending on whether it’s your opponents or squadmates, laughable or infuriating — respectively. Dumb zombies make sense; When you’re armed from the get-go with with fully-automatic weapons (not to mention 3 people with similar loadouts), they’re nothing more than fodder. However, stupid BOW’s kill the sense of urgency or real threat. Furthermore, the AI for the rest of the squad is just plain bad. I can’t count the number of times one of my squadmates closed in on a doorway full of enemies, then decided to go Ryu Hayabusa on the incoming mob with their combat knife, getting completely annihilated, getting infected, dying, then coming right back out after me only to catch a shotgun shell between the eyes and, after the battle was over, being revived at zero cost. The characters themselves are obligatorily one-dimensional and mysterious, as you might expect Umbrella operatives to be.

The score to the game was just… not right. The best music is in the start menu, and even that I had a hard time listening to.

Maybe I was just expecting a survival-horror title and got a third-person shooter with horror flavor, but personally I feel this game missed the mark within the Resident Evil franchise. It just felt like a feeble grab at the boom of action-y/adventure-y/shooter-y/RPG-y titles that have appeared this season.

Now that THAT’s over, let’s talk about a game that’s been eating a lot of my time this week.

BURRITO BISON REVENGE (PC, FLASH)

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To be fair, this is a basic catapult-ing flash game. You play as Burrito Bison, who as far as I can tell is a luchador that got his wallet knicked by gummy bears. The solution? Follow those fuckers into Candyland and raise some hell, obviously.

The upgrades you acquire throughout the game (faster speed, less slowdown for hitting the ground, more money earned, etc) are tangible — you can tell every time you’ve made an upgrade. The story missions are repetitive, yes, but as you improve your abilities you get closer and closer to the finish. Once the story mode has been completed, Survival mode unlocks — Survival mode being what ever other catapult flash game is; Endless.

It’s a very simple game, with a very simple story presented right at the beginning — after that, it’s just squashing gummy bears and making money doing it. Despite that, it is immensely entertaining with a lot of replay value. You can find it and other awesome flash games at Kongregate.

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Playstation All-Stars Battle Royale Wishlist!

Ever since Sony revealed Playstation All-Stars Battle Royale, there have been countless blog postings, YouTube videos, and whatnots of hopeful characters that will be included. I’d be remiss not to throw my picks into the lot. I’m going to put it out there right now that characters that have already appeared in fighting games, or already are/likely will in the character lineup have been omitted.

Here we go!

10. The Prince (Katamari Damacy – PS2, PS3)

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Okay, honestly I have no idea how he could be implemented. Like… none. I just REALLY want to see him in the game.

9. Wander (Shadow of the Colossus – PS2, PSN)

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Wander may strike people as being boring, considering his rather slim inventory. I see it as a strength; He would be the character that utilizes simple melee and ranged attacks instead of complex firing trajectories, “utility” attacks (like some of the counterattack abilities in Super Smash Brothers), or over-the-top special effects. He’s a simple guy — he’s got his sword, his bow, and his trusty horse. Considering he took down 13 walking skyscrapers with just that, he’d probably be okay taking on some of Playstation’s other big names.

8. Overlord Laharl (Disgaea – PS2, PS3)

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When I was younger, a friend of mine recommended Disgaea to me and I couldn’t stop myself from thinking “Anime game? Pfft.” 200 hours later, I was drawing prinnies all over everything and literally spending WEEKS at a time grinding characters to Lv9999. I got the Super Robo Suit(s). I got Majorly and Priere. I beat Prinny Baal. I have never invested more time in a video game (outside of my EverQuest days, but let’s not go there.) I’ve gotten way off track here.

Laharl has a metric fuck-ton of support characters that can be called on in battle, as well as a plethora of weapons and abilities to choose from, ranging from basic sword swings to cataclysmic meteor riding a la Dr.Strangelove. He’s a bit of an obscurity to those who haven’t touched Disgaea or the handful of other Altus games he appears in, but he’d be a solid addition to the lineup.

7. Samanosuke Akechi (Onimusha – PS2)

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I remember picking this game up the same day I got my PS2. It was the first taste I had of having to be a perfectionist at a game. I remember loading the same area over and over again until I was satisfied with the number of instant-kill-super-counterattacks I’d gotten. This kind of character would be PERFECT for a brawl game like this — his attacks would be modular based on which weapon he has equipped, and if there’s some sort of “Final Smash,” it would be his… what was it called? His Onimusha form? Whatever, the thing where he turns purple and his hair goes white.

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YEAH THAT THING

6. Rion (Galerians – PS)

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 What? Who’s this kid, and why isn’t he listening to Linkin Park in a darkened room? Probably because he’s too busy being captured by a post-apocalyptic totalitarian government, having his memories erased, and being subjected to horrifying experimental procedures designed to spontaneously develop telekinetic abilities in humans. There’s also that thing where the rogue AI that’s essentially murdered the rest of humanity is trying to engineer a race to play God to — yeah, they’re all trying to kill him. Did I mention he can make people’s heads explode with a thought?

Rion would be a perfect mid-range specialist. His powers can be drawn from the one he has in Galerians and its sequel. He’d have no great melee or long-range attacks, but smart players would be able to devastate opponents by keeping them at just the right distance.

 5. Albedo Piazzolla (Xenosaga – PS2)

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Anyone who has played Final Fantasy 7 likely holds Sephiroth in their top video game villains of all time. He was my number one… until I played Xenosaga. Albedo was the first antagonist that made me feel physically uncomfortable. Here we have a living weapon, capable of rapid and complete cellular regeneration, with no apparent limit. He is cultured, charismatic, and completely insane. The kind of hysterical, megalomaniacal, extremely creepy yet intelligent insanity that can turn your stomach. This kind of crazy. I see Albedo as a utility character; One that can teleport, counter, and inflict various ailments on opponents to soften them up before moving in for the kill.

4. Nathan Drake (Uncharted – PS3)

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I feel like this one doesn’t need a whole lot of explanation. Since the release of Uncharted in 2007, Drake has been the scruffy, treasure-hunting badass we all wish we could be. He’s agile, he’s got a good choice of weapons, and let’s not forget that rapier wit.

Seriously. Look at that smirk. The guy’s hanging from a cliff on a vine with a pistol drawn, and he’s STILL photogenic.

 3. Nariko (Heavenly Sword – PS3)

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Video games need more characters like Nariko, and by that I mean strong females. This classy lady doesn’t need anything but her magic sword(s) and her bitchin’ hairdo. When you look at the gameplay and mechanics of Heavenly Sword, you can’t help but picture it in an arena fighting game. I imagine she’d be a character lacking in strong ranged attacks, but making up for it with devastating melee capability.

2. Aya Brea (Parasite Eve – PS, PSP)

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Aya is hands-down my favorite female protagonist. She’s independent, tough, drop-dead gorgeous… oh, and she can manipulate the world around her by flexing her MITOCHONDRIA. What the fu — YES. Parasite Eve’s story was fantastic (and a little fantastiCAL.) The science behind mitochondria suddenly mutating otherwise harmless creatures into bloodthirsty killing machines was a stretch, yeah, but it’s one of the more original “hey here’s why everything is trying to kill you” mechanisms I’ve seen in a long time. I also really enjoyed the fusion of survival horror and RPG. If she were to pop up in All Stars, I’m thinking a character that uses (or manipulates THEN uses) the environment to her advantage.

1. Ashley Riot (Vagrant Story – PS, PSN)

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I will shit a brick if this guy winds up in All-Stars. Hands down my favorite male protagonist. He is conflicted, brooding, borderline superhuman, and tortured by his past. He’s also cursed, but I won’t spoil that part for you should you decide to pick up Vagrant Story (which you should because it’s awesome and has a nice steep learning curve.) Also, that hair. How the hell does he do that?

I could go into literal pages over how much I love Vagrant Story, and why — but I wont, because you should just go play it. I’d love to see Ashley as a short-to-mid range character, mostly relying on melee attacks with the Fandango with the occasional use of Break abilities and grimoires.

Do bear in mind this is a wishlist, not what I think will actually make it into the title. I couldn’t make a solid prediction on that if my life depended on it.

First post! Also, going vegan and TES: Online

Yeah! First actual post! Woo! Go me! Alright, party’s over. I don’t consider myself that interesting; By “that” interesting I mean to the degree that people will actually read the things I eventually write in this thing, let alone seek it/them out. However, having the tools to create blogs with pretty layouts and tagging and widgets and tons of shiny shit (for FREE) gives plebeians like me the ability, and more importantly, the audacity to start spewing brain-barf out into the internet.

So here we are. Me, letting my cerebellum leak through my fingers and into the world — And you, hopefully enjoying what I have to say.

I’m going vegan. Chances are if you’re reading this, you don’t know me. If you don’t know me, you don’t know how much I love bacon. I’m the dude that wears hoodies with cute bacon phrases, interjects with a hungry moan every time someone so much as mentions bacon, tries all of the novelty bacon “flavored” food products… I’m THAT guy. The bacon meme guy.

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sweet jesus this shit gets me so moist

And I’m no longer eating bacon. Suffice to say, this has caused some waves in my circle of friends. I’ve gotten some support (read: 1 out of a few dozen said something nice once on Facebook), but I’m fairly certain they’ve started a betting pool to see how long I can last. I started this whole thing about a month ago, and so far the adaptation hasn’t been THAT bad. I should probably stop and mention at this point that I am not going vegan for any sort of moral reason. I do love animals; I also know they’re goddamn delicious. I’d already given a lot of thought to cutting dairy out of my diet (hell, I only drink almond and soy milk) so cutting meat and other animal products out just seemed… I dunno… natural? I like things in “hard mode.” I will make rare exceptions and mow down on some sort of animal product every now and again (for things like family dinners and other times where getting something vegan is more trouble than its worth), but my diet is predominantly green.

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Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. ELDER SCROLLS ONLINE. I cannot express how excited I am that this is going to be a real, actual thing. I also need to figure out how I’m going to afford a PC rig capable of running this mofo. I will probably be gushing every time an update for this comes to light, but for now I’ll just have to settle with the knowledge that it’s coming.

You can check out the reveal trailer at the Elder Scrolls Website!